23, teacher, vegetable and cat enthuasist, from AUS and living in the UK
I was laying in my bed and I was shaking. I’m not sure if it was the cold or the caffeine, or the record I was listening to. My feet were numb and I rubbed them against the bed sheets which only seemed to amplify the pain in my toes. My stomach cramped and all I could think about was the bottomless pit that leeched and tore at my insides. My mind systematically metabolized each calorie from what was consumed for dinner, before I gave my mind more leniency than my body- I pictured it sitting there and getting absorbed into a layer beneath my skin. My skin, I can feel it sitting underneath my skin. I bent and curled and felt it there. I grabbed and scratched but it’s still there.
I stare at myself in the mirror and the waves of frustration and indecency wash over me till I decide to stop the torture. I smoke cigarettes till my breath shortens and I feel my head spin. I want to be ok but this is not ok. I am not ok. My body is not ok. I’m not crazy, I am just unacceptable. I am just sad.